Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~James Baldwin

It’s been a while since I posted a new blog – I’ve been telling myself it’s because my camera was broken and I haven’t been able to take any photos. Quite a good reason as some of you probably just glance at the photos and don’t bother reading my ramblings and that is fair enough. If I’m honest with myself its more than that, although that does play a part in my reluctance to actually sit down and write something.

At the moment my life feels like it’s just in a holding pattern.

I’m living in this great unit provided by generous friends who are overseas for a time working as missionaries in Tanzania. I don’t know when they will be coming back but it  won’t be before December and could well be months later than that. I have a part-time job that enables me to just survive. I go to Church,  to a spinning group when I can, I go to a craft group on Monday nights and Bible Study group on Tuesday nights. I make my cards, I’m making friends, keep in touch with my family, read , work on a course I’m doing.

And I worry ceaselessly about my future.

I know that the Lord has been so good to me and that He has always provided in the past and is providing in the now ( all I have to do is look at where I’m living to remember that) but instead of being able to rest in Him and where I am at the moment I stress and worry and spend sleepless nights.

I guess this week has been hanging over my head for a while now. I’m expecting to get the news that the divorce is final this week and then on Thursday I turn 58. Two things over which I have no control and which mean that my life is changed irrevocably. Even though in one way my life won’t be different from what it is now, I guess the thing is that they are cut off points. After this week I will be divorced instead of separated. The final division made. The new volume of my life started. In some ways a good thing but coupled with the second event very scary.

Turning 58 2 years ago wouldn’t have worried me nearly as much. When you have a husband and a business and a life that you have been living together for a long time it isn’t a big deal. Just another birthday that reminds you are getting older but not a biggy. Turning 58 as a newly divorced woman with no money,no partner and no full-time job is a totally different scenario. Turning 58 means it’s even harder to get a job, and if I do get one having a finite time to work and save before retirement. It brings the spectre of an insecure old age with no home looming on the horizon not in some far distant time but the not too far distant future.

I guess what I have been doing over the last few weeks is not facing the future but dreading it and going around and around in circles about what to do.

On the positive side I have made some steps towards trying to  get some better paid work but it will still be casual. The thing I am really looking forward to is that I get to go to Brisbane for a few days to stay with my son and daughter-in-law and I’m so looking forward to getting to know my precious grandson. I will also get to see one of my other sons and meet his new girlfriend. Sadly my other son will not be there as he’s in Melbourne doing a course. It’s been 9 months since I’ve seen any of them and it breaks my heart that I can’t see them more often. I’m also hoping that I will be able to catch up with a couple of friends.

So what do I do as I enter this rather overwhelming week? I guess I need to face the things that can’t be changed.to dwell on all the good things in my life, to not give up but work at changing the things I can and most of all to keep putting my trust in the Lord and reminding myself of these words from Him

Jeremiah 29:11

New Living Translation (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

 

Romans 15:13

New Living Translation (NLT)
13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

 

Philippians 4:13

New Living Translation (NLT)

13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

 

Romans 8:31-39

New Living Translation (NLT)

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loves you.

 

And for those of you who enjoy seeing the pictures I’ll add in a card I made for a lovely lady for her birthday.

Body, Soul and Craft- the evolution of my blog.

Last night I had a friend call around to ask me if I wanted to go ‘cruising’ to see what was open on a Thursday night in our small town. Both of us have mainly lived in big cities or towns where we are used to almost 24 hour access to shops, cafes etc and both of us moved to the Milton Ulladulla area in the first part of last year. Well the answer to the question in all three areas (Ulladulla, Mollymook and Milton) is not much!

It was still light so I’m guessing we started about 7.30 and we drove slowly around and in the end just managed to buy an ice-cream at the Beach Hut at Mollymook as they were closing and went and sat on the beach while we ate them and watched the colours fade and the peace of the ocean invade our souls while we chatted.

Afterwards we came back to my place and had a cup of tea and I showed her my blog. As I went further back in the entries I realised that when I initially started it( before my life fell apart) I was just using it to showcase cards I had made and give instructions on how to make them.

As time when on I started to share a bit of what I was experiencing in my life, along with the projects. Now I rarely if ever include directions on how to make the cards and some blogs don’t even have any reference to my crafts!

At first it was very intimidating to be faced with a blank page and wondering what to put on it. I knew that it was unlikely that many people would read it but you live in hope and anxiously watch for the dashboard to show that anyone out there is interested and has read it. When I stuck to pictures and instructions it was easy, but as the character of the blog changed to reflect me,my personality and emotions it becomes quite important to know that anyone bothers to read it and even be moved enough to comment or like it.

I guess the blog as it is now bares the real me to you the reader. It is easy to tell that I have struggled with the things that have happened to me over the last couple of years. You can also tell the things that are important to me – my family, my craft and hopefully my faith as a Christian. If I asked you to tell me the things that give me joy I’m sure you would be able to come up with a list from my blogs.

So as my life goes on so will my blog.

It will continue to be a mish-mash of crafts,emotions and I may include recipes etc too along with musings, attitudes and beliefs.

I hope some of you will consider it worthwhile to follow me on my journey in life and the blogging world – and I’d love to hear from any of you that feel like you would like to make contact with me.

I pray that your journey will bring you joy and comfort through the twists and turns that life always brings

Kathie x

My Theme song for 2012

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiney day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiney day

I think I can make it now the rain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for

It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiney day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiney day

Look straight ahead, there’s nothin; but blue sky
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue sky

I went to the first singing practice of the year for the Glorious MUDsingers last night and we started learning the arrangement for a new song we are performing. When I say new, I mean new for us as its actually an oldy but a goody.

I decided that its going to be the theme song for me for this year. I think I’ll have to try and get it recorded somehow once we have perfected it and then I’ll try and post the audio recording on my blog if such a thing is possible.

The grieving for my marriage is now to be put in the past and I am starting to look to the future – and its going to be a sunny one!  I have the Lord looking after me, I have loving family and friends,I still have many years before me (God willing) and the future is bright if I will let it be.

The photo above was taken while we were in Ireland -it’s looking across the Kilarney Lakes to the Atlantic Ocean and it was such a glorious view I thought it was appropriate to put on this post.

January Jottings

Where do I start….it seems such a long time since I posted the last entry and yet its not quite a month.

I didn’t find out until just before Christmas that I didn’t have to work so sadly was unable to go to Brisbane to spend the season with my kids and grandson. I was very sad about this as is was my first Christmas on my own and I so badly wanted to see them all. On the plus side though I got to go to Sydney and spend the festive season at my brother’s place with my Dad and my sister and her family coming over for Christmas lunch. It was a a lovely day and we had a wonderful time.

The kids all rang me and were happy with their Christmas presents and my little grandson Connor was so excited with the whole Christmas experience and loved my gifts. Ben and Lina took some photos of the day and I have posted some of them here.

January has been a bittersweet month so far. On the 5th it was the first anniversary of my husband and my separation and I got a call from him to tell me that the divorce proceedings were underway. I don’t know why it was so hard to cope with but I was a mess and couldn’t help bursting into tears at the drop of a hat…. I guess its the finality of it….35 years counting for nothing. No that isn’t true. We have 3 beautiful sons and a lot of good memories. We did some amazing things and there were lots of good times. It wasn’t wasted but I’m now on a new path in my life.

Over January I’ve got to catch up with a number of old friends, make some new ones and enjoy my crafting. Tonight I went to a friend’s place and met with a number of other girls from Church to start a regular craft group where we bring various crafts to do and if we want to learn from others we can or just work on our own projects. Should be fun.

      This card is one I made to welcome a new baby into the extended family. My daugher-in-law Lina has a sister and Jayne and Michael have just welcomed their 4th child into their family. Little Tobias is gorgeous from the photos and I know Connor will have lots of fun with his new cousin as he gets bigger. The Tigger was made using the Pooh Font Cartridge in my Cricut machine.It has these cute baby characters as well as some great fonts to use for words.

Deck the Halls….

I can’t believe that its only 4 days till Christmas! Christmas is always such a special time of year for me. As a Christian it has such a wonderful meaning to me….God loving the world so much that He sent His Son to earth to make it possible for mankind to be able to be made right with HIm and to become part of His family. I also love the celebration….. the decorations, the traditions, the songs,the food and the events.
I’ve been on tenterhooks for weeks wondering if I was going to be working or not and hoping that I could go up to Brisbane to see my kids and my precious grandson Connor. As it turns out I’ve go 4 days off but sadly I found out too late to be able to organize to get up there, so my first Christmas as a single instead of a couple is going to be spent back with my Dad and siblings and their families. I guess its kind of appropriate in one way.
I have now moved into a unit that some friends are very kindly renting to me at a reduced rent with the added bonus of being able to use all their things. Its been wonderful being able to unpack my share of our belongings and has been kind of like rediscovering old friends. It’s also giving me a great deal of joy to be able to use my pretty china and put my stamp on my home for the next 12 months.It’s been fun being able to ask friends around for meals since I moved in and I also have had a lot of help from my friend Christine in unpacking and sorting things out- I probably wouldn’t have got it done without her help.
I’ve planted some herbs and veges and I have a friend who is making me a chook tractor ( moveable chicken coop) to house 3 chickens. It is just about finished but I’ll have to put off putting the hens in until I get back from Sydney. It will be very exciting to get my first eggs!
I have also been busy making my Christmas cards but it did take me a while to get around to really get going on them- I guess in some ways it was difficult as it is the first time in 35 years that I’m sending people cards from just me. I’m afraid the last few will be getting there after Christmas unless the Postal Service are working miracles of speed and delivery this year.

Reflections on Grief 2 years on

It’s 2 years today since Mum died. So much has changed in that time and yet the grief stays the same….not as raw perhaps although at times it still overwhelms me, but those times are further apart these days. In fact there are whole weeks now when I barely think of her…. does that make me a bad daughter? I don’t think so …. It just means life continues…. it doesn’t mean I love her any less.

I can drive past the place she died now without crying. Just as well really as anytime I have to go to Sydney or to Nowra I have to pass it. Today I’m going out there to leave a rose…. a pink rose for Margaret Rose.

I sometimes still feel a crazy kind of resentment that she isn’t here when I feel like I needed her most after my marriage broke up and I came to live with Dad. My adult mind knows how silly it is at 57 feeling like an abandoned child because I want my Mummy to hold me and make it better.

I’m sad too cause I understand so much better now about how she felt when we moved so far away …..and I also understand how hurt she felt when I was too busy or didn’t think to call her regularly to chat and tell her about what was happening in our lives. Now I’m the mother so far away who longs to hear from her kids and to know they care about her and hear about their lives. If only I could go back and change things.

I feel helpless today with Dad too… I want to comfort him and yet don’t know what to say or do and feel like a clumsy oaf. He is surrounded by a wall of grief and I don’t think that I can do anything to ease it….. how can I when he’s lost the wife he shared so many years with and that he misses so desperately?

I also feel so sad for my friend Monica who was found dead in her home a couple of days ago- there are crimestoppers bulletins on the news channels asking for anyone to come forward with any information as her death is considered ‘suspicious’. I was supposed to be working out with her how we could do some kids workshops together…. How can she be dead in suspicious circumstances? How can one of the few people I count as friends down here be gone? When she wasn’t at church last week I was going to ring her and then when she wasn’t at scrapbooking on Tues night I was going to ring her…. But once again I didn’t listen to the voice telling me to do something and now it’s too late. I’ve been told that it was probably too late to ring her anyway… that she was probably already gone but it doesn’t assuage the guilt I feel.

My Bible reading the other day was from 2 Corinthians 5 and the commentary said
‘Our lives are so frail and vulnerable. We walk through life always on the thin ice of our mortality and who knows when it will crack beneath us. As you can see from this section of 2 Corinthians Paul lived with a strong consciousness of death. He did not fear death but was always was aware of it……….. Jesus came to conquer death. Through His victory we can now face death not as the end of togetherness but as the beginning of eternal togetherness.” Another one of those ‘coincidences’ that so often occur when you’re a Christian!

I know that both Mum and Monica were Christians and are now with the Lord … that is truly comforting to know. I don’t have to feel the desperation of those who don’t KNOW that this is not the end. I am also so grateful for the love and comfort I receive from my Lord. It doesn’t mean though that I don’t go through the grief and the questionings…..I guess it just means that I don’t have to stay there.

 

Dubai scrapbooking

In October 2008 we went to Dubai for a 2 week period with work. It was just before the GFC and construction was in full swing….. everywhere you looked in the city the skyline bristled with cranes. We were told (by what I considered to be a reliable source) that at that time around 70% of the world’s cranes were in Dubai. It seems an amazing figure but when you looked around it seemed like it could almost be true. The day before we left was the day that the Dubai Mall officially opened. I was one of the many who flocked there to see what it was like. Coming from Australia where I suspect we have some of the world’s strictest rules re workplace Health and Safety it was an eye-opening experience to be shopping in an area where construction of unfinished shops and structures was frantically going on all around us. Some of the photos in the Construct page above were taken at the entrance to the Dubai Mall.

We flew in to Abu Dhabi airport and then caught a coach to Dubai arriving somewhere around 1am from memory. It was our first experience of a country where English isn’t the first language and so were very unsure of how we were going to manage. When the coach pulled up in what seemed to be a carpark and dropped us all off it was a bit scary as porters grabbed our bags and started pushing us towards a taxi. We told the taxi driver we needed to go to the Splendid Apartments on Oud Metha Rd near Lamcy Plaza and he set off with us hoping he knew where we were going. We quickly found out over the next couple of days that the taxis are great to catch in Dubai but that night we were very relieved when he pulled up at the right place-especially as he hadn’t seemed to recognize the name! Our apartment was very nice and spacious…..very grand compared to where we’d stayed with our other courses and it was cleaned each day, which I in particular appreciated. The breakfast each morning was  interesting… the Dubai version of the standard buffet fare of baked beans, eggs, hash browns etc….. with beef bacon ( pork is a not acceptable in an Islamic country).