Tag Archives: divorce

How do I present myself to others in a positive way ?

I’ve never had a huge amount of self confidence.

I’ve never been the life of the party or the cool girl who people wanted to hang around with. Instead I’ve always felt like I live around the edges of the groups rather than in them.

Even when I was in my late teens and early twenties I didn’t think I was very attractive ( I look back now and wish I still looked like I did then-talk about not appreciating what you had till it was gone! )

With age is supposed to come wisdom and I guess I’ve developed a bit of that over the years.With the Lord’s help I’ve worked on some of the rough edges and I don’t think I’m as judgemental as I used to be. I’ve learnt that even if I do have stong views on how things should be done that I have to back off and let others do things their way. I try to wait till I’m invited to do so before I give advice. I know that I still have a bad habit of jumping into conversations immediately I think of something rather than waiting till the other person is finished – got to work on that one more!

I certainly think I have a better dress sense now than I used to. I have some dear friends who tell me that they like and appreciate me. Of course a broken marriage doesn’t help…. no matter how much I know there were lots of factors involved, I still feel at times that it was because I wasn’t worth loving.

I know that God loves me, but I still often feel like He can’t love me as much as He loves others – once again my head knows how untrue this is but my heart still holds onto the lie.

I’m not writing this for sympathy and for people who know me to rush to validate me….. although it’s always nice to receive that assurance even if I then go on to dismiss it.

There are two factors that have led to this navel gazing

1) In a couple of weeks I’m going to a class reunion (I was going to go to the last one but couldn’t as I was in hospital at the time)
2) I have to write a profile of myself for something

I’m sure 99% of people heading to meet up with former classmates experience the insecurity associated with this experience. Especially after 42 years. I had a fairly decent figure back then. My beautiful auburn hair was slightly wavy and fairly long. I wasn’t burdened with the back, shoulder and rheumatoid arthritis health issues I have now. The world was full of promise for me. Even though I’ve done some interesting things and had some wonderful experiences my current world is much more limited. I’m feeling nervous and hoping that I won’t spend the evening sitting by myself staring into a drink.

The second one is even worse. I don’t know what to say about myself. How do I start….. I guess saying ‘Hi my name is Kathie and I’m 60, overweight,divorced and got some disabilities’ isn’t really going to tell the story of me in a very positive way!

How DO you put onto paper who you are?

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Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~James Baldwin

It’s been a while since I posted a new blog – I’ve been telling myself it’s because my camera was broken and I haven’t been able to take any photos. Quite a good reason as some of you probably just glance at the photos and don’t bother reading my ramblings and that is fair enough. If I’m honest with myself its more than that, although that does play a part in my reluctance to actually sit down and write something.

At the moment my life feels like it’s just in a holding pattern.

I’m living in this great unit provided by generous friends who are overseas for a time working as missionaries in Tanzania. I don’t know when they will be coming back but it  won’t be before December and could well be months later than that. I have a part-time job that enables me to just survive. I go to Church,  to a spinning group when I can, I go to a craft group on Monday nights and Bible Study group on Tuesday nights. I make my cards, I’m making friends, keep in touch with my family, read , work on a course I’m doing.

And I worry ceaselessly about my future.

I know that the Lord has been so good to me and that He has always provided in the past and is providing in the now ( all I have to do is look at where I’m living to remember that) but instead of being able to rest in Him and where I am at the moment I stress and worry and spend sleepless nights.

I guess this week has been hanging over my head for a while now. I’m expecting to get the news that the divorce is final this week and then on Thursday I turn 58. Two things over which I have no control and which mean that my life is changed irrevocably. Even though in one way my life won’t be different from what it is now, I guess the thing is that they are cut off points. After this week I will be divorced instead of separated. The final division made. The new volume of my life started. In some ways a good thing but coupled with the second event very scary.

Turning 58 2 years ago wouldn’t have worried me nearly as much. When you have a husband and a business and a life that you have been living together for a long time it isn’t a big deal. Just another birthday that reminds you are getting older but not a biggy. Turning 58 as a newly divorced woman with no money,no partner and no full-time job is a totally different scenario. Turning 58 means it’s even harder to get a job, and if I do get one having a finite time to work and save before retirement. It brings the spectre of an insecure old age with no home looming on the horizon not in some far distant time but the not too far distant future.

I guess what I have been doing over the last few weeks is not facing the future but dreading it and going around and around in circles about what to do.

On the positive side I have made some steps towards trying to  get some better paid work but it will still be casual. The thing I am really looking forward to is that I get to go to Brisbane for a few days to stay with my son and daughter-in-law and I’m so looking forward to getting to know my precious grandson. I will also get to see one of my other sons and meet his new girlfriend. Sadly my other son will not be there as he’s in Melbourne doing a course. It’s been 9 months since I’ve seen any of them and it breaks my heart that I can’t see them more often. I’m also hoping that I will be able to catch up with a couple of friends.

So what do I do as I enter this rather overwhelming week? I guess I need to face the things that can’t be changed.to dwell on all the good things in my life, to not give up but work at changing the things I can and most of all to keep putting my trust in the Lord and reminding myself of these words from Him

Jeremiah 29:11
New Living Translation (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
 
Romans 15:13
New Living Translation (NLT)
13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
 
Philippians 4:13
New Living Translation (NLT)
13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
 
Romans 8:31-39
New Living Translation (NLT)
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loves you.
 

And for those of you who enjoy seeing the pictures I’ll add in a card I made for a lovely lady for her birthday.

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